So here's the plan: Sunday, test ride the route to my new job - this is a freeway ride.

Yes, the gods have kindly ended my stint of household projects, I now have billable work. The house is better for the time off, a small redwood deck off the master bedroom, two 16' x 4' planter boxes, a sprinkler system in the backyard, a clean and re-wired garage, a cleaned and repaired chimney, and a plan for a much better home office. I have enjoyed doing this work immensely (I didn't do the chimney), but I was starting to wake up at night unable to breathe from anxiety attacks. It is one thing to say that you aren't going to go crazy looking for work that isn't there, it is another thing to actually stay calm, and find a way to enjoy life when you have been raised to justify the air that you breathe by your ability to do work and pay your half of the mortgage.

The round-trip will be about twenty miles from Mountain View to Foster City. If I don't screw up on the Sunday ride, which includes getting there and back without wetting my pants, then I'll try it on Monday. I'm nervous just thinking about it.

I've been asking around for words of wisdom about riding on highways. Here's Karolyn's list:

• Don't sit in anyone's blind spot
• Don't get stuck traveling anywhere near a semi - they have huge blind spots and if one of the tires loses its re-tread it could blast you right off your bike.
• Try not to be traveling slower than the traffic around you - usually the best way to get out of trouble is with your throttle, not your brakes. Bear in mind, short stops are good but it is almost guaranteed that the guy behind you can't stop as fast. One of the good and bad points about bike brakes.
• Swerving, practice swerving.

Carolyn says the F650CS will be at the dealership in a few weeks. I really want see this beast - one reviewer just about called the bike ugly. I think it's beautiful.

There is no doubt in my mind, I am not ready to commute on the freeway, yet. I need to figure out a way to get more experience so that all the variables that contributed to this decision are addressed. The safety issues will never go away, but I can improve my skills, and mitigate some of the risks.

Peter, blessings on his head, rode in the car in back of me on the test ride. I was determined to make this test ride, but that resolve didn't lessen my discomfort one iota. Peter's presence definitely was a great support; if something bad happened, he could tell the ER staff what my blood type is, they wouldn't have to notice that the information is on my helmet (done at my sister's insistence). Nothing bad happened, and I didn't wet my pants. I can't say I enjoyed the ride; I merely re-confirmed that I have a lot to learn.

Instead of taking 101 all the way to 3rd street, I got off on 92, and took surface streets to Foster City. This route is shorter, and removes several merges. It also adds a new experience, merging from one highway to another. I do this all the time in the car without thinking, but on the bike, it is a completely different experience.

I don't know where to begin to unravel this ride, so I'll just spew in random order.

• the wind impact when traveling on average at 65mph
• cars that change lanes or merge without looking
• imperfections in the road surface
• sensations in the right wrist from holding the throttle on for a sustained period
• the aromas from other cars, and from the land and water around the freeway
• absolute necessity of maintaining zanshin (complete awareness) at all times
• the 5th gear on this bike wasn't really made for higher speeds; upshifting to "nil" is frustrating
• no defensive riding skills

I stayed in the right lane for a while, but I didn't like dealing with the cars merging from the right, so I moved into the next lane over. It felt better here, but not much, I felt too little, and, after one guy just drifted into my lane, too invisible. He should have looked, but I should have been more aware. I noticed him the moment my mind started to drift - just the universe's way of thumping me on the head saying "wake up, dummy!" The merge onto 92 went okay, but my anxiety levels increased in sync with the engine revs as I climbed the ramp. I felt better as soon as I found my exit ramp, and was traveling at lower speeds.

When we arrived at my site of my new project, Peter and I stopped and went to look at the ducks - I needed to decompress.

The trip home was so much better - probably because I was on now-familiar ground. I was so glad to be going home! It didn't take much for me to decide I wasn't going to ride to work tomorrow. For this demonstration of good sense, I received a kiss from Peter. I will try again soon.

As luck would have it, Bart needs to get used to his new track suit, and, he wanted to check out another possible new bike. Although he has told me in the past that he doesn't have the patience to ride with me (at least he is honest), he was willing to ride with me today. Trouble is, I'm rattled from yesterday, and knowing that he gets impatient, riding as two bikes didn't sound good. Just riding on the back of his bike on the highway would be good enough.

At high speed, my neck gets sore from holding my head against the wind. I wonder if there is a way to avoid this. The fields of mustard along highway 237 to Milpitas are in full bloom.

So, Bart, a word about coaching - what works for me and what doesn't. Some people respond to goading, others respond to unemotional observations followed by encouragement. Goading and belittling may work for you, but it does not work on me, and I hate it. The question, "you're not going to wimp out, are you?" does not make me want to rise to the challenge, it makes me shut down internally. But I understand that you're trying to help me keep going after my getting rattled - thanks.

Karolyn and I are planning a return trip to Hicks road this coming Sunday. I have to get my charging system looked at before then.

The technician at the mammography office liked my leathers, so did the volunteer at the polling site.

Central Expressway isn't Highway 101, but I needed to get back on the bike. I have to smile, this section of the expressway used to scare the bejeezus out of me. The section south of Mary travels at freeway speeds, and probably would still make me uncomfortable. Oh, I've been able to park the bike in the garage in two moves for a week or so. Much better than seven.

The Suzuki dealership says the charging system is fine. The new battery will give me peace of mind, though. It is supposed to pour tonight, with showers tomorrow, and the next few weekends are already taken up with stuff, so the ride with Karolyn will have to wait until April.

I know, I know, it has been a while since I've written. I have been riding but not as much as I would like. I've also been working, and have been too distracted to write. The rides on my own pale in comparison to riding with an experienced rider; I am so looking forward to riding with Karolyn in April.

The most significant improvement is that I'm starting to swing the bike, I believe it is called "counter-steering", and I'm beginning to understand that momentum is part of the stability equation, and therefore I need speed. My body has figured this out, but my head is still screaming "too fast, too fast" so I'm still pretty dorky on the bike.

I went to see the CS at the BMW dealership. It felt like going to meet someone you have been hearing about for a long time, and wondering if you will like them as much as everyone tells you you will. I sat on the bike. I could grow into this...the seat is a bit too high, and my body position on the CS has nothing in common sitting on the Suzuki other than I'm upright, but I'll bet I could get used to the CS pretty quick. Fascinating toothed belt drive. I'm dying to hear the engine, but I'm not going to ride it until Carolyn gets the lower seat. The storage system (where the tank typically would go) is pretty neat - Carolyn remarked that this bike comes with its own purse. From what she and Bart have said about riding this bike, my eyes are gonna bug out of my head. It may not be enough for 100+ hp junkies, but 50 hp will be plenty for me. Can you see me grinning?

Because this journal is not only written but published, I find that I'm thinking twice about writing some things. Someday I'll publish the unexpurgated version. Last Saturday, driving in my car to Berkeley, a woman rider on a red and black sport bike, wearing black and red leathers and a red helmet, slipped into my lane as I was merging onto the Bay Bridge. I noticed the cascade of brown hair, and my goodness, did she have a well-shaped butt. She was only in front of me briefly (sadly), she zipped in-between lanes and was gone.

First, seeing how good long hair can look was helpful - I'll continue to let my hair grow. I miss my short hair so much, and it would be so much more convenient for riding. My hair was really short, sometimes shorter than Peter's, and he keeps his hair quite short. I have worn my hair short for about 20 years. It is time for a change but this "growing it out" period makes me nuts. Second, a butt that shapely brings beauty and happiness to the world - actually, my initial reaction was a desire to bite her on both cheeks, but that wasn't going to happen. Anyway, the thought that I might bring a moment of beauty and happiness into someone's life by riding is also encouragement to persevere.

Got to April 2002 entries